he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
