foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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