Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
