Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
