My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
