it hurts more in the daytime
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
