I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
