I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
