There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
