Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
