And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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