The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
