i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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