I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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