Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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