Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
