cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
