i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
