My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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