it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i need some magic done to my vagina
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
