I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
