She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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