Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
