My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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