I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
