I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
