just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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