i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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