My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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