You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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