To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
