So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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