There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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