Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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