OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
