I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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