Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
