I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
