If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
