so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
