as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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