Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
