I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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