I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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