I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
