You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
