If that was your dad, he is hot
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
