he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
