my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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