we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
