I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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